In the Midst of Me

Why do I doubt You oh, Lord, when You have continuously proven Yourself to me?

Why do I doubt You oh, Lord, when You have told me that You have chosen me?

Why is my heart tangled in a series of questions questioning Your existence, if I have seen how You have worked in my life?

Why am I feeling alone, when I know You have promised me that You will never leave me nor forsake me?

Why am I like this?

Lord is there something wrong with me?

If there is, then make things right for me.

Is it my faith?

Then embrace me even more, so that my mind won’t fool me and start raising questions that are not supposed to be raised.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord, because I wanted to see You once again.

I wanted to see Your face and keep my hope up just like before.

Did I walk astray?

In my path it seems that You’re not there?

Please straighten things out for me because I cannot figure this one out on my own.

My body is cold and my spirit is weak

Embrace me Lord and keep me warm in Your loving hand

I have fallen and I can’t stand on my own.

Raise me up again and let me hold Your banner in this warfare

Anoint me and I will be Your warrior.

Why do I still doubt You?

It is my faith.

It is the barrier that I have built between us.

Crush this shell in my heart like the way You have crushed the walls of Jericho

Marry me and dwell in my temple as You have promised

I know You have chosen me among others

Save me from myself for I am causing all the doubts in me

Sanctify me.

Purify my mind.

Break my heart and make it Yours, just like what You have promised.

In the midst of my doubts, I know in my heart You will come and save me.

Create Something Every Day Challenge: Day 7

What if you have your very own, customized, tailor-fitted life manual made especially for you, by YOU!

Surprised?

Me too!

Can you imagine how fantastic that idea is? Thanks to Kara Gott Warner, I got a light bulb moment about this when I read the last principle of her 7-day journal challenge. Today is the last day, and I was so excited to read all about the principle for today. Basically it talks about creating a new habit. Since it’s the last day, I was already expecting that I’ll bring home something great and fruitful from Kara, and she didn’t fail me.

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So what’s my light bulb moment all about?

It’s about having your very own life manual. Kara is right. A lot of us here keeps on writing and writing and writing… but what do we do to them afterwards? What do we do to our notebooks, papers, blog sites, etc.? How many of us here get to review their write ups after a week, a month, or a year? Where’s the last diary or journal you’ve ever written on? Can you still find it? If you can’t find it, I don’t expect you to find your first diary or journal either. Get the idea?

So what am I pointing out? My friends, what’s the very reason why you’re keeping a journal, a diary, or a blog site? Is it just to express your thoughts and feelings? Do they only serve as emotional sponge? What happens after that? How many of us here gets the change to re-read our beautiful insights after it has been written or posted? If you believe that, what you’ve written is something meaningful, insightful, and worth reading, then why not read it AGAIN?

What we’re writing at this very moment is very crucial? Why? Because it is a figment of our own thoughts. It freshly came from our ideas. It’s raw. The ideas are creating new neuro-pathways (ooops that’s a big word) whenever we are imagining things or we are creating something new. Because of that, I believe those outputs need to be revisited to be rejuvenated again and be remembered of who we truly are. Besides, like what Kara said on the challenge:

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You’re the only one who knows who you are! The best advise you can get is can be provided by none other than the voice of your inner self (that is if you’re sane… if you get what I mean 😉 )

So my challenge for everyone who’s keeping a journal, a diary, or a blog site is; try to go back to the old pages and re-read what you’ve written in the past and see if you’ll have any new realizations from those outputs. I bet you’ll have one for sure. Write about those new realizations and share your new outputs if you want to. That way, we can all learn and relearn, and that will help us in the process of making ourselves a better person. But of course, we don’t only have to read and re-read our outputs; we also have to apply them. Remember,

Knowledge turned action is wisdom.

Create that habit of revisiting your work and relearn from it.

Have a pleasant weekend everyone!

With love and respect,

Ms. Rai

Yoga: Day 1

Ouuuuuuuch! That hurts!

It feels like whole body is so painful. So painful, I just wanna lie down and sleep. No alarm clock please!

A few weeks ago, my friend asked me to attend a Yoga class with her. At first, I was excited because last year, one of our clients was a Yoga Master and I was doing research for him about Ashtanga Yoga. It was a very interesting topic for me at that time because those things were new to me. I got really excited with the thought of actually doing it. But then, it dawned on me, ‘Wait! Yoga? Are you serious? you can’t be serious!’ So I gave it a few thinking sessions before I hopped in to my friend’s wagon. It’s just this week when I said to myself, ‘Hey, why not?’

I went to the Yoga class this afternoon and I was late by the way, because of flood. Yes. FLOOD. It was raining really hard earlier today, but who cares? I was determined to attend the Yoga session. So I was there. One of the attendants gave me a Yoga mat, then I followed what everybody else were doing.

I admit that I was terrible in following whatever the instructor was doing. I can’t even reach my toes when we were asked to do so. My body is so stiff, I can barely bend over and stretch all the way like everybody else. I didn’t really feel bad that I can’t reach my toes. I felt bad for being stiff and my back was already hurting. I wasn’t that stiff before. I recall my younger years wherein I’m able to spread my legs and touch my toes while stretching. I was dancing before when I was in high school, so you can just imagine my frustration for not being able to perform any better. Now I’m thinking that I’m too old and I won’t be as graceful as before. I really feel old, and I’m only 28! Pif!

Again, I admit I wasn’t great in the whole process of ‘posing’, and half of the time I was cursing the moment I’m there. There were a lot of thoughts going through my mind, and one of which was being envious of the old lady beside me who can actually bend down and touch her toes. Why the hell can’t I do that? Basically I was there, feeling the pain running in my whole body, plus I was butt hurt with the fact that the older woman beside me was more flexible than I am. So yes, I was envious.

But then, when we were asked to do the Savasana (also known as the corps position), there was a sudden switch in my mentality. It changed rapidly that I barely noticed it. Maybe because I was more focused on my breathing when we were doing the bridge position, more than being focused on what everyone else’s doing, and when we switched to Savasana, I felt more at ease. Well, who wouldn’t? It’s Savasana for crying out loud. Anyway, during that position I felt peace inside me. I became more conscious of my breathing and it felt good. For a second, I thought I was in a trance, or maybe I fell asleep for half a second because lying down is the best Yoga pose I’ve ever done so far, and it felt good. I felt relaxed and I forgot about my aching body. Then, our instructor asked us to do a series of poses again, and when we did, I actually felt better because I was more relaxed and I wasn’t bothered anymore with what’s going on in my surroundings. Then, I’m surprised that it’s done. It’s done but I wanted to do more… next time. Not today. 😛

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I realized that my approach when I stepped in the room was wrong in the first place because I was too conscious. My level of consciousness was so high, it became a competition to me, which is not suppose to be. I was envious for a moment that they can all do the poses with less or without any problem, while me, it felt like my back is a pack of crackling chips, or a big pouch of chicharon. I was so envious that I forgot that it’s my first time to do Yoga, and I’m trying to compete with someone who’s never missed out any Yoga classes. If there’s such a thing as ‘Perfect Attendance in Yoga Class’, the older woman beside me will probably get that award. It’s so wrong for me to compare my Chapter 1 to somebody else’s Chapter 20, which led me to uneasiness within myself.

LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Never rush. Take things one step at a time.
  • Don’t compare yourself to others because that might do you more harm than good.
  • Respect your body by knowing its limitations.
  • Stay FOCUS on yourself.
  • Don’t be late in Yoga class so you can still prep yourself before you do the extreme poses.

Since I have those realizations, I am looking forward to our next Yoga session. I’m looking forward to it because I know I have already realized the mistakes I did today, so I’ll definitely know where to adjust and what to focus on. For a second or two, I was able to feel inner peace, and I’m looking forward to attaining that feeling again. Next time I’ll be more receptive and more self-aware, which I think is good. I need to increase my teachability index to level 10.

I’m thinking that I have to refresh myself with Ashtanga Yoga, so I’ll research about it AGAIN. I’m also thinking that more than getting my body ready for the next session, I have to prepare my mindset, too. And lastly, I have to prepare my budget if I’ll take this course seriously. I’m thinking of buying my own Yoga mat, a pair of Yoga pants, water stash, towel…

and hey! Where can I get this one?

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JUST KIDDING!

How about you? Have you been to any similar experience to this? I’m excited to hear about your story.

With love and respect,

Ms. Rai