In the Midst of Me

Why do I doubt You oh, Lord, when You have continuously proven Yourself to me?

Why do I doubt You oh, Lord, when You have told me that You have chosen me?

Why is my heart tangled in a series of questions questioning Your existence, if I have seen how You have worked in my life?

Why am I feeling alone, when I know You have promised me that You will never leave me nor forsake me?

Why am I like this?

Lord is there something wrong with me?

If there is, then make things right for me.

Is it my faith?

Then embrace me even more, so that my mind won’t fool me and start raising questions that are not supposed to be raised.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord, because I wanted to see You once again.

I wanted to see Your face and keep my hope up just like before.

Did I walk astray?

In my path it seems that You’re not there?

Please straighten things out for me because I cannot figure this one out on my own.

My body is cold and my spirit is weak

Embrace me Lord and keep me warm in Your loving hand

I have fallen and I can’t stand on my own.

Raise me up again and let me hold Your banner in this warfare

Anoint me and I will be Your warrior.

Why do I still doubt You?

It is my faith.

It is the barrier that I have built between us.

Crush this shell in my heart like the way You have crushed the walls of Jericho

Marry me and dwell in my temple as You have promised

I know You have chosen me among others

Save me from myself for I am causing all the doubts in me

Sanctify me.

Purify my mind.

Break my heart and make it Yours, just like what You have promised.

In the midst of my doubts, I know in my heart You will come and save me.

Casting Spells

Pain and sufferings be gone!!!

The Magus casts a powerful spell to his very young apprentice who was too anxious due to the presence of her invisible enemies. In an instant, the young apprentice stopped feeling anxious and a new wave of valor and peace covered her. She then felt an incredible strength in front of the enemies after the spell has been emitted.

Well, that happened in one of the anime shows I used to watch when I was younger. Whenever I remember that episode, I can’t help but wish- I wish it is the same in reality. I wish that in a single spell, pain and sufferings will be gone and everyone can have their own version of happy ending. Unfortunately, that is not the case because in reality, everyone deals with different anxiety-causing situations which could either sustain or lose their sanity, one way or another.

For the past few days or weeks (I really can’t remember when it all started) I begun feeling dejected due to personal events that took place a couple of years ago and the most recent one took place few weeks ago. What is so disheartening about those events are, they are forming like a certain pattern which leads me to think that I am becoming a victim of those uncalled circumstances -thinking that life is indeed unfair to most of us.

As a Christian, I have resolved to give way and forgive those people who have recently caused me pain and sufferings. Those people who have brought anxiety that caused quite a few sleepless nights on my part. I was too stressed out that tummy continued to contract (yes I was 8 months pregnant when all those things were happening) and because I didn’t want my partner to worry that much about my condition, I kept the physical and emotional pain to myself. Although he saw me crying for a lot of times, I never told him what was really happening inside me. I tried to convince my partner to let everything slip away and let God lead us to the path that is right for us and we should not do anything else but to forgive.

In my mind and my soul I know we are doing the right thing since we chose to pardon them and let go and let everything fall into its rightful place. I thought that everything will be fine but the resolution that I have imposed to myself led to inner conflict since the condition of my heart is unwell. My heart is battered and bruised and it looks like it is not willing to let go and forgive just yet. My heart still feels the pain and it is suffering because of it. It can still remember those pairs of condemning eyes, and the content of those piercing words, and the throbbing of our spirits when we were asked to leave the house in the middle of the night. My heart can still remember the physical (because of premature labor) and emotional pain while we were walking on the streets at 2 am looking for a place to stay for the night and prepare for tomorrow’s another battle round. I chose to forgive. My mind pushed that idea down to my heart. My heart kept silent until pain awakens itself in my unconscious mind that later on resurfaced to my consciousness.

I thought forgiveness is easy for the reason that my conscience is unsoiled and I know for a fact that I did not do anything to cause pain to those people who are involved (or to those who have involved their selves even if they are not suppose to be counted). I did not know that it is going to be this hard. I did not know that my heart is going to be rebellious to my mind’s decision in giving absolution to those who are not even willing to ask for forgiveness. Me, myself, and I are in constant combat causing my consciousness to turn out to be more restless than it is suppose to be.

My heart wants some sort of clemency so that God may forgive me for unintentionally holding grudges against those people. My mind is telling my heart to forgive myself and reconsider the situations that happened in the past. I have to forgive myself and tell myself that all of us are one and the same- just plain human beings who are prone to errors and therefore shall be forgiven and given another chance just like what Jesus constantly do whenever we fall and ask for mercy.  After all, those are just memories and they are all in the past. Those events can never be rebuilt and the words spoken that bruised my whole being can never be retrieved. They are already there whether we like it or not. My mind is telling my heart to liberate itself from angst and anger and invite positive vibes like love and peace which are more helpful and constructive to self and less deceiving compared to grudge.

My heart is crying for freedom from pain and sufferings. How I wish a simple spell like what the Magus cast on his apprentice can get rid of those in my heart and let me be the person whom I wanted to be again- person free from hatred and a person who is more forgiving and understanding and less selfish.

[Originally written on June 24, 2012]