What would you do?

What would you do if you’re torn between doing what’s right for you and doing what’s right for others?

What would you do if you’ve lived all your life trying to please other people, but at the end of the day, they’re still not happy and they’re expecting more from you?

What would you do if you have given up your dreams and your happiness but still they can’t see all your effort and they’re telling you, you haven’t given enough?

What would you do when you reach the point wherein you realize that the things going on in your life are the things that you don’t want to happen in your life and you want something else?

What would you do if you’re stuck all your life and there’s this one opportunity for you to change everything, but in return, you have to drop all the things that you’ve been believing all your life?

What would you do?

Wrong Send – Part 2

So, yah. I got an irritating, accusing text message from an anonymous wife a few days ago, that really made me feel bad for a few hours [ you can read the rest of the info in Wrong Send – Part I ].

Here’s why I felt bad about the freaking situation:

1. My family was ruined because of a “3rd wheel”. My marriage didn’t work out because of it. I’m not proud about what happened but I’m not hiding it. It is what it is, so I just have to suck it all in, get back on my feet and move on with my life.

2. A few years ago, I suffered from depression because my family got wrecked right after I gave birth and I felt like a total shit. It was a disaster.

3. Being in the position of having a wrecked family is not a good position at all. It’s the worst position EVER.

4. I know how it is; I know how it feels to lose somebody whom you offered your life to and promised to live the rest of your life with, because of a certain 3rd wheel.

5. I know how it is to be a mom to a fatherless kid who isn’t suppose to be fatherless in the first place.

Given these five reasons, why the hell would I allow myself to become a 3rd party in whomsoever marriage? Why would I do that to myself? And why would I do that to somebody else’s family. Again, I’ve been through a lot of shits, and man, I won’t allow myself to be in that position again, and I won’t and NEVER become a 3rd party to anybody else’s marriage. Woooh! I need some fresh air.

So again, I felt bad for being wrongly accused. But what exactly did I do? Did I get mad at the lady? Nope. I didn’t. Did I call her and shout at her to make my point. Nope. I didn’t do that. Did I scold her and embarrass her in any means and ways? Nope. I didn’t do that either.

What I did was:

1. I clarified whom the message was for. I told her that I’ve never been a 3rd party to anyone’s relationship and I told her that she’s barking at the wrong tree.

2. I informed her that yes, I have a boyfriend, but my boyfriend is and was never married to anyone, and he got zero kids as of now.

3. I told her that if she truly believes that I’m her husband’s other woman, we must probably meet somewhere so we can talk personally. I don’t like cat fights because it’s a total waste of time, but I’m willing to spend time to clear my name because I don’t want to be tagged as a 3rd wheel or a home wrecker because of the reasons I mentioned above.

4. I told her that like her, I also strongly believe in Karma, and I’m not afraid of it because my conscience is crystal clear, as far as her accusations are concerned.

5. I told my boyfriend about the lady who’s bad mouthing me, and he offered to clear things up. So he called her up and I decided to sleep. Yep. I preferred to sleep than to deal with it.

My boyfriend called the anonymous number a few times, but no one’s answering. Maybe she figured out that she got it all wrong. I don’t know. We have no idea why she wouldn’t answer her phone. I’m thinking that, if she’s so sure about her accusations and whatever she’s been texting me, she could have at least answered the phone.

I’m not sure what happened but, maybe the message was meant for somebody else. Well… that settles it. I hope she won’t text me again because it’s so damn stressful, even if we knew from the start that it’s all wrong.

Lesson:

Be careful in sending text messages. Make sure the message is sent to the right person. 😉

Casting Spells

Pain and sufferings be gone!!!

The Magus casts a powerful spell to his very young apprentice who was too anxious due to the presence of her invisible enemies. In an instant, the young apprentice stopped feeling anxious and a new wave of valor and peace covered her. She then felt an incredible strength in front of the enemies after the spell has been emitted.

Well, that happened in one of the anime shows I used to watch when I was younger. Whenever I remember that episode, I can’t help but wish- I wish it is the same in reality. I wish that in a single spell, pain and sufferings will be gone and everyone can have their own version of happy ending. Unfortunately, that is not the case because in reality, everyone deals with different anxiety-causing situations which could either sustain or lose their sanity, one way or another.

For the past few days or weeks (I really can’t remember when it all started) I begun feeling dejected due to personal events that took place a couple of years ago and the most recent one took place few weeks ago. What is so disheartening about those events are, they are forming like a certain pattern which leads me to think that I am becoming a victim of those uncalled circumstances -thinking that life is indeed unfair to most of us.

As a Christian, I have resolved to give way and forgive those people who have recently caused me pain and sufferings. Those people who have brought anxiety that caused quite a few sleepless nights on my part. I was too stressed out that tummy continued to contract (yes I was 8 months pregnant when all those things were happening) and because I didn’t want my partner to worry that much about my condition, I kept the physical and emotional pain to myself. Although he saw me crying for a lot of times, I never told him what was really happening inside me. I tried to convince my partner to let everything slip away and let God lead us to the path that is right for us and we should not do anything else but to forgive.

In my mind and my soul I know we are doing the right thing since we chose to pardon them and let go and let everything fall into its rightful place. I thought that everything will be fine but the resolution that I have imposed to myself led to inner conflict since the condition of my heart is unwell. My heart is battered and bruised and it looks like it is not willing to let go and forgive just yet. My heart still feels the pain and it is suffering because of it. It can still remember those pairs of condemning eyes, and the content of those piercing words, and the throbbing of our spirits when we were asked to leave the house in the middle of the night. My heart can still remember the physical (because of premature labor) and emotional pain while we were walking on the streets at 2 am looking for a place to stay for the night and prepare for tomorrow’s another battle round. I chose to forgive. My mind pushed that idea down to my heart. My heart kept silent until pain awakens itself in my unconscious mind that later on resurfaced to my consciousness.

I thought forgiveness is easy for the reason that my conscience is unsoiled and I know for a fact that I did not do anything to cause pain to those people who are involved (or to those who have involved their selves even if they are not suppose to be counted). I did not know that it is going to be this hard. I did not know that my heart is going to be rebellious to my mind’s decision in giving absolution to those who are not even willing to ask for forgiveness. Me, myself, and I are in constant combat causing my consciousness to turn out to be more restless than it is suppose to be.

My heart wants some sort of clemency so that God may forgive me for unintentionally holding grudges against those people. My mind is telling my heart to forgive myself and reconsider the situations that happened in the past. I have to forgive myself and tell myself that all of us are one and the same- just plain human beings who are prone to errors and therefore shall be forgiven and given another chance just like what Jesus constantly do whenever we fall and ask for mercy.  After all, those are just memories and they are all in the past. Those events can never be rebuilt and the words spoken that bruised my whole being can never be retrieved. They are already there whether we like it or not. My mind is telling my heart to liberate itself from angst and anger and invite positive vibes like love and peace which are more helpful and constructive to self and less deceiving compared to grudge.

My heart is crying for freedom from pain and sufferings. How I wish a simple spell like what the Magus cast on his apprentice can get rid of those in my heart and let me be the person whom I wanted to be again- person free from hatred and a person who is more forgiving and understanding and less selfish.

[Originally written on June 24, 2012]