Casting Spells

Pain and sufferings be gone!!!

The Magus casts a powerful spell to his very young apprentice who was too anxious due to the presence of her invisible enemies. In an instant, the young apprentice stopped feeling anxious and a new wave of valor and peace covered her. She then felt an incredible strength in front of the enemies after the spell has been emitted.

Well, that happened in one of the anime shows I used to watch when I was younger. Whenever I remember that episode, I can’t help but wish- I wish it is the same in reality. I wish that in a single spell, pain and sufferings will be gone and everyone can have their own version of happy ending. Unfortunately, that is not the case because in reality, everyone deals with different anxiety-causing situations which could either sustain or lose their sanity, one way or another.

For the past few days or weeks (I really can’t remember when it all started) I begun feeling dejected due to personal events that took place a couple of years ago and the most recent one took place few weeks ago. What is so disheartening about those events are, they are forming like a certain pattern which leads me to think that I am becoming a victim of those uncalled circumstances -thinking that life is indeed unfair to most of us.

As a Christian, I have resolved to give way and forgive those people who have recently caused me pain and sufferings. Those people who have brought anxiety that caused quite a few sleepless nights on my part. I was too stressed out that tummy continued to contract (yes I was 8 months pregnant when all those things were happening) and because I didn’t want my partner to worry that much about my condition, I kept the physical and emotional pain to myself. Although he saw me crying for a lot of times, I never told him what was really happening inside me. I tried to convince my partner to let everything slip away and let God lead us to the path that is right for us and we should not do anything else but to forgive.

In my mind and my soul I know we are doing the right thing since we chose to pardon them and let go and let everything fall into its rightful place. I thought that everything will be fine but the resolution that I have imposed to myself led to inner conflict since the condition of my heart is unwell. My heart is battered and bruised and it looks like it is not willing to let go and forgive just yet. My heart still feels the pain and it is suffering because of it. It can still remember those pairs of condemning eyes, and the content of those piercing words, and the throbbing of our spirits when we were asked to leave the house in the middle of the night. My heart can still remember the physical (because of premature labor) and emotional pain while we were walking on the streets at 2 am looking for a place to stay for the night and prepare for tomorrow’s another battle round. I chose to forgive. My mind pushed that idea down to my heart. My heart kept silent until pain awakens itself in my unconscious mind that later on resurfaced to my consciousness.

I thought forgiveness is easy for the reason that my conscience is unsoiled and I know for a fact that I did not do anything to cause pain to those people who are involved (or to those who have involved their selves even if they are not suppose to be counted). I did not know that it is going to be this hard. I did not know that my heart is going to be rebellious to my mind’s decision in giving absolution to those who are not even willing to ask for forgiveness. Me, myself, and I are in constant combat causing my consciousness to turn out to be more restless than it is suppose to be.

My heart wants some sort of clemency so that God may forgive me for unintentionally holding grudges against those people. My mind is telling my heart to forgive myself and reconsider the situations that happened in the past. I have to forgive myself and tell myself that all of us are one and the same- just plain human beings who are prone to errors and therefore shall be forgiven and given another chance just like what Jesus constantly do whenever we fall and ask for mercy.  After all, those are just memories and they are all in the past. Those events can never be rebuilt and the words spoken that bruised my whole being can never be retrieved. They are already there whether we like it or not. My mind is telling my heart to liberate itself from angst and anger and invite positive vibes like love and peace which are more helpful and constructive to self and less deceiving compared to grudge.

My heart is crying for freedom from pain and sufferings. How I wish a simple spell like what the Magus cast on his apprentice can get rid of those in my heart and let me be the person whom I wanted to be again- person free from hatred and a person who is more forgiving and understanding and less selfish.

[Originally written on June 24, 2012]

Farewell

Right now, somewhere in this city, you’re dreaming about your dreams; while I’m wide awake, thinking about what might have been. It was almost perfect between you and me. The world seemed to revolve around us, while we were chasing down adventures enticing our path. It was a crazy journey; an adventure of a lifetime that others would love to have, that never came across their road. Everything seemed perfect — but they are not.
No, it was not summer lovin’. The feeling still lingers though it’s been more than a couple of years since the last time we’ve seen each other. I wish I wouldn’t have let go of your hand while you were still holding mine. I wish I could have stared at your face for as long as I possibly can. I could have embraced you up to the last second during our last night alone. I wouldn’t have let go of you, if I just knew that I couldn’t stand not having you by my side, knowing that you’re just around somewhere far from me, here within this small city.
How I wanted to see you, to touch you, and to be with you, but my heart doesn’t have the guts to do any of those; for I have already let go of you, and that was what I’ve told you, and that was what I believed in the whole time you were away. Now that you’re around, I know that it’s all coming back, but this isn’t how it’s suppose to be.
How I wish I can tell you I waited for you, just like what I’ve promised; but that remains a wishful thinking, knowing that we’re suppose to move on and head back home, where we can be our old selves again. No longer a couple of carefree spirits running around the streets of the city, where everybody knows everybody. All what’s left is a bundle of memories that we may reminisce in times of loneliness, when we can comfort ourselves with the illusion of joy or happiness, whatever applies to our hearts.
Now, it’s better to leave things unsaid and undone. For they may just give birth to the feelings that long been buried in the past. Its ghost is indeed a beautiful memoirs shared by two people who once comforted and fell for each other. Faithful enough to its word, those are merely memories of past lovers and nothing more than that.

Revived

Forgive me if I can’t apprehend
I see you’re trying to reach me
Got to tell you this, but I’m off the hook
Can’t be here, so I will no longer be here
Won’t go down like a lead balloon
I’ll take swift strides through this isle
Don’t follow me ‘coz I have resolved

It took time to strengthen my backbone
Now steadfast and proud
No longer your shadow ‘coz I’m stepping out
Stepping up for me, myself, and I
You’re no longer required
Not clinging anymore so get out and stay out

Don’t pull me back, this is my last call
Trembling at the sound of getting on my feet
I opt to take the fall than lose myself for you
No adherence to you
Now that’s what I’m talking about
So step back and walk away
Along with your mask of mendacity
It’s crystal that I’m better
In your absence I am healthier than ever